College drunk texts
Even the most experienced College drunk texts have standbys to their choice in booze; a specific brand, or just a persuasion towards a specific type of beer of liquor. This sort of loyalty and certitude comes after years of taste-development. For the rest of us, sometimes we get curious, and an unusual bottle piques our fancy. Or we find ourselves nearly broke, but wanting something to drink anyway. Sometimes you discover something great. But 98% of the time, the reaction is: “what the hell is this and how do you expect me to drink it?!” To save you some scarring experiences, here are five drinks to avoid except when in true desperation. Or unless you plan on getting super hammered either way we love to see your College drunk texts at Drunk Text.
#5 Georgi
This bottom-shelf vodka is heavily advertised on the backs of New York City buses, probably because drinking it is about as pleasant as sucking in exhaust fumes. “Smooth” and “clean” are not in the Georgi vod-kabulary; “hazmat” might be. You’d be hard-pressed to find a vodka that’s easier on your wallet. But after downing a liter of this stuff in a night, your liver will wish that your wallet could have taken some of the hurt. In its defense, the Russian word “Georgi” translates roughly to mean “why am I drinking nail polish?” If you want to be a champ at try the georgi by all means do so just don’t forget to send us your College drunk texts to your friends or your crush.
#4 Corn Whiskey
This misleadingly-named clear spirit shares almost no characteristics with the whiskey we all know and love. It smells similar to raw meat or buttsweat, and tastes just as good. To compound matters, it does not mix well with anything: light and dark sodas, juices and tonics, other, stronger alcohols…nothing in the known universe can cover up the miserable taste of this trash.
#3 Mad Dog 20/20
Mad Dog 20/20—along with Night Train, Wild Irish Rose, and Cisco—falls under the category of low-end fortified wine (also called “bum wine”): ‘Fortified’, meaning the alcohol content has been boosted to somewhere between 13 and 18%; ‘low-end’, meaning with added sugar, flavor, color, and the ability to cause mild hallucinations. Again, it’s quite a bargain—usually about $2 a bottle—but when you drink bum wine, expect nothing but only the best drunk text messages to begin from drinking this stuff!
#2 Spirytus Rektyfikowany
Looks like gibberish? Close enough, it’s Polish. Spirytus rektyfikowany means ‘rectified spirits’. It’s a neutral grain spirit, so it doesn’t taste like anything in particular. And all the way down, you can feel the lining of your esophagus shrivel.
Did I mention this stuff is 190 proof? For those of you who don’t like to do math, that means 95% pure ethanol. For comparison, most beer is 4-6% ethanol. You can do neat party tricks with it, like blow fireballs. You can also do less neat things, like use it to rub paint off of a car, or end up in the hospital. To no one’s surprise, Spirytus is not widely available. The four (consecutive) nights I drank this, my drunk texts were mostly in Spanglish and trust me those College drunk texts were posted on Drunk Text.
