Drunk Texts

Let’s face it, in college, drunk texts are seriously entertaining. Depending on the severity of the garbled words you’ve sent to someone, you could potentially have the best night of your life; establish a new friendship, or even increase your chance at getting laid. Maybe this fate has already befallen you. Or maybe you’re worried about your thumbs betraying you in the future. But look on the bright side—there are tons of things much, much worse than an drunk text messages.

Out of the Frying Pan and into the…

Good news!.

However, your rampant alcoholism led first to incomplete assignments, followed by a few failed classes. You university revoked your scholarship, and now you’re back home living with your parents. Try getting employed in anything above retail now, chump. Were just joking! We all know Drunk Texting doesn’t get you into these situations we just wanted to make sure we have your attention.

You one-upped the drunk text—you left your boss a drunk voicemail. You explained how you derive joy from fantasizing about seeing him experience a prolonged bout with cancer, how you’ve stolen hundreds of dollars of merchandise from the stock room, and how you banged his wife on Arbor Day- your just one of the thousands who have been in this situation! Don’t worry about it!!

So you didn’t trust yourself not to send a bunch of drunk texts, and, being a forward-thinking person with the head-in-the-clouds idealism of a college kid, chose to leave your phone at home. Well, the party was in a bad part of town. On the way back, you got mugged. Sorry! All of your money (*ahem* the money your parents gave you) is in the hands of some enterprising young thief, who, as it turns out, didn’t even have a gun but was very good at convincing you that he did. You’d very much like to contact the police, but you’re phone is back home. By the time you get there, the aforementioned hoodlum has changed clothes and is long gone. This is the exact reason you should never ever leave your phone at home while going to a party. Who cares if you send drunk text messages its better than being mugged!

Well, you’re awfully mad about that bit of armed robbery. Naturally, you release this aggression on your phone. Smashing it to pieces, you vow never to own a cellular phone ever again. This plan is foolproof, setting aside the fact that the rest of your friends live in the 21st century. No one quite knows how to get in touch with you anymore, and you aren’t invited to parties. Your social life dwindles until the sounds of an empty apartment become second nature to you, and the idea of human contact becomes daunting. You spend the rest of your years alone as a result of your misplaced anger.

Real Problems

Next time you’re crying your eyes out about the dumb things you said via text when you were drunk, think about having a chronic, life-threatening disease. Doesn’t seem so bad, does it? Does it?!

Oh geez, I’m really sorry. I wasn’t trying to make you cry… It’s not the end of the world! Drunk texts are funny and hey your only human we all say stupid silly things at one point or another in our lives!

Here—take a tissue. And maybe consider a Verizon plan with unlimited texting.