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Texts from last night

Your texts from last night are a mess, everything is loud, and your head is pounding you phone has a bunch of random weird text messages to your friends and the chances are, you have a hangover. Lucky for you, there are plenty of ‘cures’ for hangovers (none of which include watching the movie The Hangover). However, most of them are complete rubbish.


If your hangover while reviewing your texts from last night is of such a magnitude that you may still feeling drunk, conventional wisdom teaches to drink a cup of black coffee for focus and alertness. In reality, a hangover is mainly the result of severe dehydration as a result of alcohol’s diuretic effects. Caffeine, the chemical in coffee that causes the desired alertness, is also a diuretic; this ‘cure’ can actually make you feel that much worse. If you’re late for something important, a cup of coffee might do in a pinch, but it’s certainly not the most desirable route.

Greasy Food

After a night of heavy drinking and texting last night, few things are more satisfying than a sandwich loaded with bacon, fries, a burger, or anything from Denny’s. Again, conventional wisdom says that the food ‘soaks up the alcohol in the stomach’. What it’s really doing is fighting the blood-thinning effect of booze. Like coffee, greasy food does little to combat the dehydration or vitamin deficiency associated with a hangover, but it doesn’t aggravate the situation either. And saying no to bacon is essentially a sin and you start to remember your texts from last night.


The thinking here is twofold: 1) let your body recover equilibrium on its own 2) being awake with a hangover is miserable. The logic is pretty sound, but few people have the luxury of sleeping through an entire day, and fewer still are capable of staying asleep for such a length of time. It’s also troubling to extend this thinking to other problems, e.g. why should I deal with having the flu when I can elect to go into a coma?

Hair of the Dog

The first time someone suggests beer to cure a hangover, you might think they’re crazy, especially if accompanied by a quip like, “you can’t have a hangover if you stay drunk.” The logic behind the ‘hair of the dog’ is a little less childish than that: by reintroducing alcohol to your body, you kickstart your liver, forcing it to process all the left over alcohol from last night. Like sleeping though, most people don’t have the luxury to start drinking at 9am on a Monday.

Orange Juice

Proponents of orange juice have their heads in the right place. OJ is a way to hydrate and reintroduce vitamins to your body after you’ve run it through the whiskey gauntlet, and eventually you’ll start feeling better. However, drowning a hangover in fruit juice is a lot like calling firetrucks to a building that has already burned down.

The only sure-fire way to ‘cure’ a hangover is to prevent it: before a heavy bout of drinking, try taking a multivitamin. After partying and texting try to drink several glasses of water before bed. These simple tasks ought to save you an otherwise miserable morning but hey at least texts from last night will make up for a bad hangover!